Sitting with Sadness

When I started on my journey five years ago, it was with great excitement and anxiety.  I found many turns along the way that seemed to help me understand who I am, love the people in my life a little bit more, and find the good in many awful situations.  The one we find ourselves in as a family today is not one of those.

I have struggled in the last few hours to center myself.  The death of a family member is hard, and when families are fractured by mental illness and estrangement over a period of time, the pain cuts through the layers of resentment and problems over the years, making all wounds fresh.  Nobody is to blame in any of this.  I return to my belief that we make our own way through life with free will.  We chose our path through the minute decisions we make daily.  When a person chooses to end his or her life, I can only find intense sadness and a sense of loss of human potential.  Not blame, though I do believe it is a decision made in a moment of incomprehensible pain and suffering.  Unfortunately, when that decision is made, there is a large ripple effect in the world.  It would be one thing if a suicide ended in one life.  It doesn't - it affects many, many lives, changing them forever. The selfishness of such an act impacts others at the pace of a level 5 hurricane.  The emotional toll and destruction left behind is often hard to estimate, and of course, the person responsible doesn't have to live with the repercussions of such an act.  Perhaps I sound a bit angry.  I am not sure what I am.

There is no silver lining, no lesson to be learned.  Nothing but heavy sadness sits on me as I write this.  An occasional streak of anger tells me my own will to live fights through the weight of the moment.  It may even be a bit of rage flamed by the edge of exhaustion, and yet, I know we will get through this.  It is, as my husband stated, a very sad thing that we (he and I) will step over this mess and go on with our lives.  How the family will mend is another question altogether.

The fact of the matter is, the adults will be fine.  The next generation is the one who will suffer.  Perhaps these are the ones who have or will suffer the sins of their relatives.  In particular, his children are the ones who have suffered into their early adulthood.  Nothing we have done or can do in the future will ever change what they have endured over the past fifteen years.  Healing, moving on, may or may not be possible, as the extended family must face the old fears and pain from the past, all stripped raw again.  It is a Greek tragedy at its finest - only this is the life we are living. ///

I keep thinking "How did we get here? To today? To this point of no return?" But there are no answers.  We went back and rehashed and replayed moments, critical points of disagreement, and still, we missed the signs.  We missed something, somewhere along the way that might have changed the final act.  And though we missed it, I also know it doesn't matter and probably never did.  We did the best we could in the moments we were given.  We dealt with so much more, tried so hard to change the course of his life, and yet, he rebounded to his illness like a sturdy rubber band.  It was a shell game we were never going to win.

If anything, I suppose we need to find ways to become advocates of helping those who are mentally ill.  Families are ill-equipped to meet the needs of adults with mental health issues, and are particularly handicapped in getting them the help they need.  It is more intense when the person won't accept help.  At that point, there is nothing to be done by family members.  Forced treatment is not an option.  Saddest part of all of this?  We were told nothing could be done until he was a danger to himself or others.  We didn't have the necessary evidence for that.  We sure do now - and it is too late.

The pain I feel is for the others in this clan and it is almost crushing in its enormity. Even though healing is what the extended family needs, I don't know how or when that will happen.  I don't know if it is something that can be planned for.  I am not sure what part Mark & I will play in all of this.  I just know today fighting the sadness is not possible.  I will let sadness sit with me here until I figure out what else I should be doing with it.