I have been in a tug of war with my husband over bringing a new furry family member home. I have lost out on about four dogs now, each with their own sweet photos pulling at my heartstrings. After applying for their adoption - only one could have been ours. But my husband vehemently refused to budge. Last week I went to the pet store and played with puppies and came home alone, even as their frenetic puppy kisses dried on my face.
I am super busy right now. And I love it - so this is not a complaint! College teaching is feast or famine. Either you have series of gigs and conference presentations or the well is dry and the calendar barren. In order to ride the middle line, often we line up possible presentations and send in the abstracts, hoping for the best and hedging your bets by sending in more than one. When everything you send in gets selected, well, yikes. LOTS of work spills out from there and frantic evenings prevail. Then life happens...more responsibilities in committees, or student needs...and making room for everything becomes a struggle. And still. I miss having a dog.
I know the dog would spend more time with my husband than with me - days and evenings, times when I leave for four days at a time - but still. I deeply miss having a dog.
My husband is wonderful. He greets me when I arrive home each day of course! I love my family, but they are far away. And still...I miss that collie smile and wagging tail when I enter the house. I miss hearing the high-pitched barks of welcome that would greet me when he heard the garage door. I miss taking my buddy for a walk in the evening. Having a warm body at my feet as I work. Saying, "Time for bed!" and climbing the stairs together. Waking up to a wet nose greeting me in the morning, alerting me it is time to start the day.
The end of a dog's life is hard. There are trips to the vet. Medicine to give. Lifting and cajoling...please get up and go potty! It was difficult to see your best friend's body give out. And to know he was just tired. And ready. Even if I was not. But I would do it all again for one more day with that sweet face. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We have had a couple years of losses. Big ones. Scary health issues. And the last was the loss of the dog. Then there has been a season of changes, with the grown children moving farther away. I think more than anything, I am longing for some sense of stability. That sense of youth that is slipping away from me. Having a new furry family member fills a gap for me somehow between nurturing roles. I am not sure why, but I know the act of caring for another animal grounds me. Gives me purpose and reflects back to me the self-love I often forget to give myself.
I hope I am not being too selfish. I know that traveling means we have to find care for the dog or take them with us when possible. There is a hole in my heart that I am not sure any animal can fill. But is a therapy animal a bad thing? I sure don't think so. On top of that, we would be saving a life. We have always chosen a rescue pup. Max was snatched from a kill shelter minutes before being put down. He lived a beautiful, long and happy life with us, well-loved. I want to do that for another dog, knowing that in the process of saving that dog, I am also saving a piece of myself.
Stay tuned. But in the meantime, I sure miss having a dog.
