Two stories for the price of one

I love shoes. Flat ones, sandals, or heels, it does NOT matter to me. I had to wear corrective shoes as a child and my parents were understanding enough to allow me to select the pair I liked the most. Because of course, it was the ONLY pair of shoes I would have all year for school and church. I don't remember having any other shoes until I was a teenager but that one new pair each fall. My obsession with pretty shoes is rooted in that experience I think!

Anyway, I find shoes as an appropriate celebration for achievement. Sometimes ahead of the achievement. I have worried about my 'graduation' shoes for 6 weeks...and I do mean worry. Comfort is now an issue for me, now that campus can mean walking 6 blocks in one direction a couple times a day. Four inch spike heels may look great, but can cause great (how about intense) pain as well! Graduation shoes are the only accessory that will show. The robes (pricey suckers) and hood are wonderful, but the shoes will carry me gracefully (or not) across a couple of stages...this is serious business.

And my thought throughout graduate school was that I didn't need a grade at the end of each class. I mean, I am a little old for that noise. I should have received SHOES for those things. Some classes would have netted sneakers. Simple, straightforward, work horses of the shoe wardrobe. Others would be all glamour and glitz, so I could say, 'These beautiful specimens? Yep, this was from my work in statistics.' And THAT, my friends, would say volumes. Much more impressive than an A.

So I tried on shoes a few days ago, but just couldn't make up my mind. Money is tight, and I don't want to be frivolous, even if I want to celebrate graduation. I am torn between my desire to have a great pair of shoes to wear for graduation, and my need to save pennies. It is a rough decision, believe me. I mean, I have shoes I could wear. I really do. But not a pair that say, Look-how-hard-she-worked-and-what-she-achieved kind of shoes. Not Lady Gaga shoes, just great shoes that can also say I-can-go-the-long-haul-and-still-look-great. Kind of like I want to live!

Yesterday afternoon, I had hung up my graduation robes, zipping them up in the bag, and settled in to work on submitting my dissertation and finishing a class project. About forty-five minutes after submitting my dissertation online to the graduate school, I got 'the call' I have been waiting for...the job I have truly thought was the one for me. I had to sit down, as the blood somehow left my body temporarily! And as my friend Sandra pointed out, had I known the act of submitting the dissertation would have brought on a job offer, I would have done that a little bit earlier!

As it is, I know that no job is perfect, no place is perfect, and no group of people are perfect. Yet in all this imperfection, there is a sense of fit. I have learned to trust my inner compass and work to read the community. I had questions prepared and these gave me the information about the people I would work with. But overall, it was just a sense that I fit in there, that I could grow to be a part of this learning community, that I could be a part of something bigger.

I also think sometimes we overlook the importance of the people in the place we want to work. Obviously, it is never perfect, but colleagues can make or break any job. The assignment is completely up my alley and a great fit for me now. It also offers room for me to grow as a teacher and a researcher and that was important to me. And the people? I feel I can trust them and work happily beside them. I feel so lucky to have found this.

Each adventure in my life has brought challenges, elation, and despair, but I find the older I get, the less the hard times bother me. I worry, of course, as it is probably a learned behavior on my part! Hard times and challenges can make the good times even sweeter however. Maybe it is knowing that nothing lasts forever...and you have to be ready for change. If anything is constant, it is change.

Finding a new job, that allows me to use my new skills, in a beautiful place on the east coast, close to our children, and where my husband is happy, is priceless. I know there are hard times ahead, selling our beautiful Greensboro home, moving away from our friends here, leaving the 'nest' so to speak, and finding our way in a new community. But there are wonderful, happy, fun times ahead, in making a new place for ourselves, blooming where we are planted. And it comes with a salary, which is something I have missed the last four years frankly!

So I digress a bit and have told two stories in one...and with that, I plan to go find a pair of special shoes to celebrate!

Passing on wisdom...

Part of my journey back to school to get the Ph. D. was my desire to share the lessons I have learned through my own teaching with the next generation of music teachers. I hoped I could share these lessons in ways that would make their lives easier, make them smarter faster, in order to move the profession forward in new and exciting ways. Much like I hoped to share how I have arrived at this place in my life, battle-scarred and tired, but ultimately very happy, with my own children. Neither of these ideas have panned out the way I hoped that they would. This realization speaks to my transformation as well.

First of all, we are each the sum of our experiences. These complex interactions shape us, just as we shape the interactions we have, as we are having them. And as we think on past experiences, our thoughts shape who we are becoming and how we react to the next set of interactions. So though I can tell wonderful stories about my experiences, I can't prevent anyone from stepping smack dab into the middle of an unwelcome experience. I can be empathetic, just as I can make you feel you are not alone in this crazy profession. I can suggest tools and habits of mind to find your own way out...but I can't prevent them from happening.

Secondly, as much as we love our adult children, they don't believe us. They never seem to think our stories have a bearing on their lives. And to be fair, I am not sure as parents, we see them as they are! I often wonder if I have frozen them in some time warp of post-teenage-hood that doesn't allow me to really see who they have become as adults. I suppose it is the same with children being able to understand their parents as people. I want to soothe the pains of young adulthood, protect them from anything that would not allow them to be happy. Unfortunately, I can't prevent those experiences either, as much as I want to. I can only THINK about the tools and habits of mind I wish I had taught them when they were young and malleable. I don't dare offer bits of hard-won wisdom without an invitation to do so!

I thought being able to look back over all these years would allow me to give clarity to others. I realize now, this is not the point at all. The truth, my truth, is that I have found the clarity I need to move forward in my own life. I continue to weave the fabric of my life, just as my students and my children are weaving theirs. We each chose the threads we use, the colors we like, the designs we desire. Even as we swear we are unlucky or that something is happening to us, we are in the process of reacting, projecting, interpreting, the designs we weave into our lives. It is what living is all about.

I really wish I could wave a magic wand over those I love, those I care about, those I teach, and protect them from future regret, or allow them to feel the warmth of what is the promise of their futures. I can only stand on the sidelines and coach, sometimes quietly, sometimes noisily, with as much grace as I can muster, to be present through all the excitement, the joy, and the tears. And in the meantime, continue to work on any wisdom I can find, from those who have walked before me, allowing them to cheer me on from the sidelines.