Seeking wisdom....

So whenever I have faced major life changes, I start to have weird dreams. You know the kind - the ones that you can't shake after you wake up - or the ones where you simply can't decide whether you want to wake up when you are in them!

I haven't dreamed of my grandfather since his death. I adored all my grandparents, but I was born on my grandfather's birthday and somehow that made our relationship much more significant. It very well would have been anyway, as I was the first grandchild, but those are the cards that were dealt. The last dream I had of him was the evening of his death and was one of those dreams I shared with a friend because it was so significant to me at the time.

Since then, Grandpa has been absent from my dreams until last night. I dreamed Mark & I went in search of my grandparents, and we found Grandpa Swank. I can't tell you much more than that, except that I remember the feeling of having found him again. It was glorious! Of course, we eventually knew we had to go, and I cried and cried, not wanting to leave. He walked me down a stretch of beach and kept telling me I had the answers and not to worry - everything would be fine and work out just as it should. He smiled and waved and walked away. I, however, looked back at him and ahead to where my husband stood waiting, and laid face down on the damp sand, wondering how my memories of my grandparents being gone could still feel so painful. I laid there crying, trying to remember all the details of their faces, remembering being little and having them hold me, the way they smelled, their voices...and yet, I knew I had to stand up. I just didn't want to!

Of course, then Mark woke me up saying I was snoring like a submarine! Interesting, since the ocean was in my dream...

So here is my analysis! I am not superstitious nor particularly religious, but I do believe that we seek answers to our 'issues' within our dreams. It is our mind's way of working out that which troubles us most. I can summarize the forthcoming move, the uncertainty of the future, though exciting, has me a bit on edge. Dreaming of grandparents is a way of searching for love, wisdom, guidance, and perhaps the safety of being a child and being cared for. I had to look up what beaches mean, as I am not a beach girl...and I do think that we are conditioned and certain symbols may be true within a culture. In dream interpretations, beaches may be symbolic of transitions...and the state of the ocean, symbolic of my own interpretation of this transition. Well, thank goodness the water was relatively calm and the sky was pleasant. I would say I am working through the changes coming at me in a good way. Seeking wisdom from those I care about in the real world, facing the changes with as much grace as I can muster, even when what I really want to do is lay down and cry a bit about it.

I remember a friend telling me that her experiences doing her Ph.D. work were part of a very special time in her life. I understand that completely now. In spite of the intellectual and personal dissonance that comes with growth as both an academic and a person, it has been a magical, wonderful time, full of much joy for me. The flip side of joy is despair, but there have been few moments of that. Maybe those are yet to come. But I must breach the bubble of safety to continue to grow, and I know this. I may not like it, as it means leaving people I have grown to love, admire, respect, and depend on. I suppose the dream means I have the wisdom I need to move forward, if I will just trust myself to do so.

So thanks to my loving family, once more, I find the grounding of my early years paying off dividends as I begin yet another chapter in my life. Now to figure out how to stop the snoring....