I was cleaning out old files, actually looking for a paper I wrote, and I found this little gem I wrote in 2-1/2 years ago. Not sure why it was on a word doc rather than here, or maybe it was too personal or painful at the time. But I thought of all my friends who are moving through this space now, and decided it was time to share my thoughts on the...duh-duh-duhn...Comprehensive Exams! So here it is, unedited...
May, 2010
The past semester
has felt as if it extended two years, but not necessarily because it was
painful. I think it was because I was
sifting back through the journey of the past three years and working at pulling together
as I could from what I have learned since arriving in Greensboro in August,
almost three years ago. It has been that
process of returning to information, revisiting new ideas, constructing and
reconstructing how I know what I know and synthesizing it that has made the
time stretch in a different way!
I understood that
my teaching would have an impact on my learning. What I didn’t understand when I came was the
impact that what I would learn would have on my teaching. I have a better understanding of who I was as
a music teacher and what I did or didn’t do in the time I spent in public
schools. I also understand that who I am
right now, at this moment, is continuing to morph and adapt to new roles as I
begin to understand them. The process of
preparing for the comprehensive written exams and the oral defense of those
exams contributed to that.
Having the
opportunity to blend all of the practical aspects of teaching with the
theoretical, speaking through the coursework I have taken, was an amazing
journey of, dare I say, epic proportions.
It is sincerely the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I know there were many moments, well, perhaps
days, where I lost my sense of direction.
It was like herding cats in my head!
There were times when I depended on others to tell me I would be okay,
and just repeated those words in my head over and over. The worst possible outcome was not failing, I
decided, but being too afraid to risk it all by trying. I remember the moment I finally convinced
myself of those things. I felt as if I
was ready to step off that precipice and trust that I had attached myself to a
glider that actually would glide!
I don’t know that
anyone can properly prepare someone else for the process of such a herculean
academic task. I suppose, in looking
back, I realized I was shooting for that moment all along, as I did keep
copious notes and flashcards for the classes that I knew would be part of the
foundation of knowledge. Beyond that, I
think I prepared by listening to what others did or didn’t do and simply devoting
time each and every day in some manner or another. I kept track of the time I spent preparing
and I averaged about 18 hours a week for about 12 weeks leading up to the three
day exam. I did a little bit every day,
chipping away at things that seemed too big to handle or researching just one
more article or reading just one more chapter in a book or simply taking
notes. The result is a very rich
three-inch binder and two accordion files of information that I have now to dig
into whenever I need it!
Perhaps moving
closer to the goal has solidified for me that I made an incredibly brilliant
choice by following my gut instinct in coming to UNCG. Without the support of the doctoral committee
I have, without the opportunities provided to me along the way, there is no way
I would have been able to do this. As a
teacher, stepping into the role of student again, I realize anew the power that
a teacher holds to create or deny success in their students. It is a two-way street, of course, but there
is also truth to who holds the power.
The difference I have seen is that the teacher power here is not viewed
as a weapon, but as a tool to facilitate change. The faculty care deeply about facilitating
change in the students without being too attached to "success" that they are
not willing to allow the student to fail if necessary!
I also feel like
part of a team here. I knew what my job
was, and I continue to grow into the jobs I am given. I have been carefully
trained, groomed perhaps, and offered the opportunities to experience the
things I needed to grow. It amazes me to
this day that I have had the vast opportunities to experience so much. It is humbling to know so many have shared so
much in order for me to pursue this degree.
I know I have one
last mountain to climb. I realize that
this is actually the largest, hardest task of all. Yet, somehow, a great calm possesses me right
now. I saw the written and comprehensive
exams as a gauntlet and I made it through unscathed. That has given me a great confidence boost
that I may need in tough days ahead!
