There is an upside to of a certain age. At least, this is what I have discovered over the past six years. I do remember that I felt this when I was younger. The first time I truly experienced living in the moment was holding my newborns for the first time - stopped time in its tracks! Somehow, though, those moments of enjoying my children for the first time got lost in the process of helping them into adulthood. The next time I experienced it, I was walking to the music building on Northwestern's campus, and stopped to look at the sun dancing on the lake, with a beautiful bed of flowers in front of me...and the Chicago skyline as a backdrop. And I remember just stopping and breathing it all in. I suddenly remembered I knew this feeling - but this time, I made a promise to myself to keep it.
Since that moment, I have found that I am much better able to exist within the moment, time, day, than when I was younger. For example, padding around the house this morning in the 4AM hour, I quite enjoyed the quite silence right before sunrise, and was struck by how calm and happy I was to just BE. As I drove to Havelock, NC an hour later, I looked forward to watching the sunrise over the bridge as I crossed over into the innerbanks, at the Neuse River Basin. A younger me might have been in a hurry to get there, do the observation, get home, get work done. The older me relishes these quiet moments of solace, where I am just alone with my thoughts and something beautiful to enjoy.
As a musician, I find myself getting lost in the sounds...able to block out everything else busy in my mind and just enjoy the music. Not worry about the score, or how I am hearing the piece, or what I am hearing or not hearing, and if I am musician enough to make competent decisions...but to simply enjoy the music. What a gift to finally feel free to enjoy what I love most, unconditionally, in spite of my training!
And I think it has allowed me to enjoy my family more. My husband's bad habits (and mind you, he would say the same of me) no longer bother me, and instead I see the wonderful little things he does to show me he cares everyday. I try to make sure I stop and really look at him when we spend time together at the end of the day, and listen as carefully as I can. What did I discover? Living in the moment with my husband makes me feel incredibly lucky I married him.
Then there are those babies. The ones that first stopped time for me so long ago - now all grown-up! What incredible human beings they are. We speak of them as our best work in life. If we did NOTHING more in life than raise them, I know all is well with my soul! I feel I was meant to have these incredible people to raise - and so fortunate to have guided them through childhood. I can't begin to express how I treasure each and every interaction, enjoying who they are, what they have to say, how they think. Folks tell you to enjoy each moment when your kids are young, because it passes so quickly. And it does! But enjoying it was difficult in the cacophony of young adulthood. I believe that is why you get grandchildren...a second chance to live in the moment of a child without the pressures of being a parent!
Maybe that is the answer. Perhaps with age comes acceptance of the human condition, and that allows you to truly feel and express unconditional love. And that in turn, allows us to live more fully in the moment. I know being older isn't perfect, but it certainly is much better than the alternative, right? And though everything is not the sun rising over the edge of the world, it is pretty darn great to be able to recognize and live in that moment.
