More becoming...from a past self.

I was cleaning out old files, actually looking for a paper I wrote, and I found this little gem I wrote in 2-1/2 years ago.  Not sure why it was on a word doc rather than here, or maybe it was too personal or painful at the time.  But I thought of all my friends who are moving through this space now, and decided it was time to share my thoughts on the...duh-duh-duhn...Comprehensive Exams!  So here it is, unedited...

 May, 2010

The past semester has felt as if it extended two years, but not necessarily because it was painful.  I think it was because I was sifting back through the journey of the past three years and working at pulling together as I could from what I have learned since arriving in Greensboro in August, almost three years ago.  It has been that process of returning to information, revisiting new ideas, constructing and reconstructing how I know what I know and synthesizing it that has made the time stretch in a different way!

I understood that my teaching would have an impact on my learning.  What I didn’t understand when I came was the impact that what I would learn would have on my teaching.  I have a better understanding of who I was as a music teacher and what I did or didn’t do in the time I spent in public schools.  I also understand that who I am right now, at this moment, is continuing to morph and adapt to new roles as I begin to understand them.  The process of preparing for the comprehensive written exams and the oral defense of those exams contributed to that.

Having the opportunity to blend all of the practical aspects of teaching with the theoretical, speaking through the coursework I have taken, was an amazing journey of, dare I say, epic proportions.  It is sincerely the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I know there were many moments, well, perhaps days, where I lost my sense of direction.  It was like herding cats in my head!  There were times when I depended on others to tell me I would be okay, and just repeated those words in my head over and over.  The worst possible outcome was not failing, I decided, but being too afraid to risk it all by trying.  I remember the moment I finally convinced myself of those things.  I felt as if I was ready to step off that precipice and trust that I had attached myself to a glider that actually would glide!

I don’t know that anyone can properly prepare someone else for the process of such a herculean academic task.  I suppose, in looking back, I realized I was shooting for that moment all along, as I did keep copious notes and flashcards for the classes that I knew would be part of the foundation of knowledge.  Beyond that, I think I prepared by listening to what others did or didn’t do and simply devoting time each and every day in some manner or another.  I kept track of the time I spent preparing and I averaged about 18 hours a week for about 12 weeks leading up to the three day exam.  I did a little bit every day, chipping away at things that seemed too big to handle or researching just one more article or reading just one more chapter in a book or simply taking notes.  The result is a very rich three-inch binder and two accordion files of information that I have now to dig into whenever I need it!

Perhaps moving closer to the goal has solidified for me that I made an incredibly brilliant choice by following my gut instinct in coming to UNCG.  Without the support of the doctoral committee I have, without the opportunities provided to me along the way, there is no way I would have been able to do this.  As a teacher, stepping into the role of student again, I realize anew the power that a teacher holds to create or deny success in their students.  It is a two-way street, of course, but there is also truth to who holds the power.  The difference I have seen is that the teacher power here is not viewed as a weapon, but as a tool to facilitate change.  The faculty care deeply about facilitating change in the students without being too attached to "success" that they are not willing to allow the student to fail if necessary!

I also feel like part of a team here.  I knew what my job was, and I continue to grow into the jobs I am given. I have been carefully trained, groomed perhaps, and offered the opportunities to experience the things I needed to grow.  It amazes me to this day that I have had the vast opportunities to experience so much.  It is humbling to know so many have shared so much in order for me to pursue this degree.

I know I have one last mountain to climb.  I realize that this is actually the largest, hardest task of all.  Yet, somehow, a great calm possesses me right now.  I saw the written and comprehensive exams as a gauntlet and I made it through unscathed.  That has given me a great confidence boost that I may need in tough days ahead!