Tentative First Steps

I attended my first conference solo this week (ok, so it was a colloquium, which IS different, but let's toss that aside for the time being). I was slightly apprehensive with a sense of anxiety I expressed physically through a tight and heavy feeling in my throat. It is a vague anxiety, like a shadow of an emotion you just can't quite express or shake off. I confronted this by talking through it a few days earlier with friends, and admitting that stepping out on my own was difficult, actually made these feelings seem less nebulous and easier to contain. It occurred to me that I needed to admit I like routines, organization, structure, and social situations which are comfortable. Yet I have to force myself out of security and encounter situations that will help me to continue to grow.

As I traveled to Ohio, I thought about the journey of the last four years and the number of times I had to step away from what I was comfortable with and confront some of my own perceptions and perspectives. I realized that even though there was some anxiety involved with being alone at a conference to talk about teaching music education in higher education, it was much more subdued than it was two years ago when I went to Virginia for a similar colloquium. I have changed quite a bit in the last four years! Perhaps this is a metamorphosis, though never complete, I will look back on later and understand much more clearly.

I realized before our first meeting that I knew few people, and those I did know, I knew only through their work or brief introductions at other conferences. It was up to me to introduce myself again and insert myself into the established social groups. It was wonderful to be asked to join a dinner party right away, and find the conversation easy and accepting from the beginning. As I have found in the circle of higher ed music teacher educators, this is not atypical behavior. I would venture to say there appears to be less posturing than I felt in the public school teaching settings, and less of a clique. I find my colleagues to be warm, receptive, and willing to listen more than they talk. For the most part anyway! So there were only a few moments that I actually felt socially-inept or awkward through the four days I spent there.

Here is the really interesting part for me. As I am eternally interested in the way we construct our identities in these settings, I started to discuss the difficulties one has becoming part of the larger profession from a personal standpoint. This particular colloquium has established a community of learners, and has broken down barriers to participation in the group. However, every profession has established traditions of acceptance into the profession that are both articulated and unarticulated. The nice thing was that I felt accepted enough to call on the ways in which I feel, coming in the fringes of the profession since I first entered teaching as a neophyte over 3o years ago! And in that moment, there was a connection from many in my discussion circle and beyond, showering me with viewpoints that were both profound and personal. This was quite assuring to me but also got me thinking about how we share our own induction experiences with those on their own journeys in.

Understand that this transition is not one where I feel unaccepted or unappreciated. I do not feel that I can not or will not fit into the profession. I understand from life experiences that it takes time to walk the walk and learn the ropes so that I may feel I am a part of my new peer group. Yet it was this experience that made me begin to reflect on what my preservice teachers experience as they are inducted into the profession. As I take this journey into higher education full-time, I need to be aware of the ways in which I negotiate the path of a new job, where my skills may or may not serve me well, and how I adapt to these demands, and how this can inform how I share lessons from these experiences with my students. Or ways through which I can help them develop the resilience to learn for themselves.

And today on the way home, I thought about my fears. Are they really that different than the fears of the students I teach? Fears of 'will my peers accept me?', 'Do I know enough?', Is what I know enough?', or 'Will someone figure out I don't always know what I am doing?' Perhaps I travel through those thoughts at lightening speed compared to my students, but they are there under the surface. It has given me food for thought, and an impetus to continue to document the journey. And today, I am very thankful that the professionals I met this weekend not only opened the door, but invited me in.